Strange Revelation

Just a quick update on where we are: Everything has healed nicely and my body recognizes that I am no longer pregnant. This is all good since it was a necessary step in starting some tests. I went today to have blood drawn for testing. This testing will check for many different issues that my be causing me to miscarry. However, often these tests come back normal and no answers are found. I find myself in an interesting place - I don't want there to be anything wrong, but I do want answers. So, I'm not really sure how to pray about this. Not sure when we will get the results. I will be sure to share when we do.

"In hope against hope he believed". That is what the Bible says about Abraham when God told him that his offspring would be as many as there are stars in the sky. Isn't it strange that even when all the evidence is against us we continue to hang onto hope. Even if it's just the tiniest bit of hope that seems so far away. We just cannot let go of it.

I wonder if that is how Abraham felt. That's how I feel. Despite what statistics say and regardless of what I have experienced so far, I constantly have this unwavering hope in my heart. I cannot explain this. But it is there. In fact, sometimes I wish it would go away...maybe then it would be easier. No, I need this hope.

I have found though that recently, despite my hope, I no longer know how to talk to God about my struggle to be a mother. I usually cannot figure out where to begin, what words to say, or even get my thoughts strait. When I am able to find my voice I just end up saying, asking, and pleading for the same things over and over again. This is so frustrating because there are no words that I could use to express to God the true desires of my heart. It's frustrating because I want God to hear my cries and acknowledge my desires.

This is what I read today:

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perserverance we wait eagerly for it. In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words..." Romans 8:24-26

Just as I am feeling that my hope is getting me nowhere in my prayer time with God, He assures me that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me. Really, God!?! So, when I cannot even begin to figure out how to pray the Holy Spirit is doing it for me? Yep, that's what it says. He is seeing the desires of my heart and hearing my cries and expressing them with "groanings too deep for words"...the same words that I have been unable to find for months. The Holy Spirit is going to the deepest parts of my soul in order to make my requests known to God. He is praying for me!

This is such a strange revelation for me. You see, I have read this passage many times. I have heard pastors cite it in their sermons. But, somehow only now does the meaning of this truth really come to life for me.

Remember when I talked about God being kinda funny...knowing what we need when we need it? Well, here He goes again. God knows that having hope against all hope is not easy. He knows that I do not know how to pray properly. God knows that I worry that my prayers aren't fancy enough, long enough, deep enough. That I'm afraid that I focus too much or not enough on myself. That I worry that God is just tired of me butchering my quiet time with Him. But mostly, that I'm scared that I am not expressing my heart in any comprehensible way.

I believe that God knows all of these things and that He probably sits back, shows me His truth, and then chuckles again as I let it sink into my heart. Instead of just leaving me hanging in my times of speechless worry, He sends the Holy Spirit in to pick up my slack or "help my weakness" without me even asking.

Just Wait

God is funny. Not like haha funny, funny as in "I know exactly what you need when you need it despite what you think". And, He does. But, this is what's so frustrating to me. There are things that I want...now. There are things that I believe I am ready for...now. There are desires in my heart that want to be fulfilled...now. But, God says, "Nope, not yet. Just wait".

But, I HAVE been waiting. I have been waiting for years. And, while I wait I have been really good. I have read my Bible and gone to church nearly every Sunday. I have increased my prayer time and listen to praise and worship music on a regular basis. I have helped out at church events, talked about my faith, and even posted scripture on my Facebook page. Doesn't this all count for something? Shouldn't I get some kind of great blessing for my faithfulness? And God chuckles, "My silly daughter...just wait". Wait for what? Why God, why do I have to wait? "Just wait".

For the past several weeks I have had a difficult time reading the Bible regularly and even talking to God. I guess I feel sort of used up, and, to be honest, I'm sort of afraid of what He may say. But, the other day while waiting on a client I decided to open up my Bible app in hopes of getting an encouraging word. This is what I read, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" - James 1:2-4.

I have mentioned this scripture before in this blog. Funny how God continues to lead me back to this verse. A verse about endurance. What do we need endurance for? Usually something that is going to be hard and take a long time. For me, waiting is both of these things...it's really hard and it feels like it takes forever.

However, this time I really noticed the end of this passage. "And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing". Woah. A perfect result comes from endurance...from waiting. But, that is what I want. I want the perfect result. I want the really good stuff. I really, really do. But, I only wanted it on my terms. I never wanted to wait. I never wanted it to be hard. I just wanted the perfect result without all the messy stuff in the middle.

Thankfully God does know exactly what I need when I need it. God knows that without the wait there is no perfect result. God knows that I need the wait, the endurance, the trial. My faith IS being tested...I will consider it joy. I will just wait.

When I'm Alone

As I mentioned before, life seems to be getting back to normal. Im back at work, feel good, and have been told that I look healthier and healthier each day. Several people have commented on my ability to move on so quickly; my ability to go about life as if nothing happened; my ability to talk about everything we have been through without shedding a single tear. Apparently I'm strong, a fighter.

For the most part I am able to keep myself busy. I'm usually surrounded by people or I'm with my husband. I am able to occupy my time and mind with mundane activities, job duties, and genuinely fun times with the people I love. My days are filled with client appointments, paperwork, and down time with my husband. The holidays have given me even more to do with events to attend, food to prepare, and shopping to do. So I keep busy and I do it all with a smile on my face and what appears to be unwavering strength.

But when I'm alone or I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep with the sound of Chris off in dreamland, I realize how robotic I have become. I see how my desire to move on has pushed me to ignore the hard feelings and just be. Physically I am present but my mind and heart are far away, performing by habit. I realize that I have allowed myself to become completely cut off and although i hate to say it, bitter. And, this is exactly where I never wanted to be.

When I'm alone the numbness that has saturated my entire being begins to be replaced by a sorrow so deeply rooted that I have a difficult time trying to explain it. I find myself begging God to take away my memories of the past nine months, to erase the feelings of sorrow, shame, fear, and doubt. I beg God to have mercy on me and allow joy to penetrate to the deepest parts of my soul. I need peace. I need hope. I need a break.

I'm tired of crying alone. I'm tired of trying to be strong when I feel weak. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of the doubt and fear. I'm just really, really tired.

Specific prayer requests:

Pray that my heart will soften.
Pray that I will allow God in in ways that I never have before.
Pray that I will feel the strength, joy, and peace that I desire.
Pray against fear.

Am I a Mother?

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been reading this blog and praying for us. I have been so encouraged by your words and prayers. I have also been humbled and surprised by all of the stories that have been shared with me that are similar to mine...whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. Thank you all for sharing with me and walking with me through this.

I should say that I have been healing very well. I have had no complications since my surgery and everything is slowly returning to normal. We expect to return to the doctor before the new year to have some testing done. Then hopefully we can start trying again. My doctor is still very optimistic and believes that there is no reason that we cannot have a healthy pregnancy. We are so blessed to have a doctor who is great at what he does, loves Jesus, and cares for us beyond what his position has required of him.

So, I have been thinking about something for several weeks. It is a question that potentially has many answers depending on who you are and what you believe. I want to know...am I a mother? Perhaps this is a rediculous question that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but, for some reason it matters to me.

At this point Chris and I have lost four children...three miscarriages and an ectopic. These children never took a breath, never felt the warmth of the sun, never tasted food on their tongues, and never saw the beauty of our world. But they were alive inside me. Even if for a short time, they were alive. Does the fact that they never physically existed outside of me negate the fact that they were once growing with vigor and developing into a perfect somebody?

My children never received names. They didn't have fingerprints. Their hearts never even took a beat. But they were there with each tiny cell that was their existence. They were fighting for life with no chance of winning. Does the fact that my children were never seen or touched nullify their life as it once was?

No, I don't believe that it does. I believe that a child is a child from the point of conception. I am not going to go into all of the scientific reasons why my belief is supported. But it is my belief. I believe that each one of my pregnancies started with the life of a child. Otherwise, I was never pregnant to begin with.

So, I guess my question boils down to this. Am I a mother only if my child/children get to experience all of the things that mine did not? Did I have to look in their eyes and feel their breath to be considered a mother? Will I be a mother only after I give birth/adopt a live child?

Now, I don't expect to receive cards on Mother's Day (Chris believes that people wouldn't send them out of respect) or for people to say "go ask Nikki, she's a mom". And, that is okay. But I don't think that I am okay with the idea that I am not a mother. I fell in love with each of my children from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I did everything I could to protect them. I fought so hard for them and ended up watching as they all slipped away. I had four children inside of me and they all died. But, they were my children...I am their mother.

I know there are many people out there who will completely disagree with what I have just said. That is okay. Perhaps many will agree. I don't know. But what is important to me is that people respect my belief and allow me to acknowledge my motherhood.

Am I a mother? Yes.

The Storm

Remember that tornado I was talking about in my last post? Well, apparently that was the calm before the storm. It has been a while since I last wrote...not sure exactly what day my last post was on, but a lot has transpired since then.

As some of you reading this already know, I had to go into emergency surgery this past Wednesday morning. At about 3am on Wednesday I woke up to severe abdominal pain. I was told that the shot I received on Sunday night at the ER would cause me pain similar to this so I just thought it was related to that. However, five hours later the pain was still as severe and a little scary. Since I was supposed to see my doctor later that day anyway we decided to call when they opened to let the know what was happening. They asked me to come in right away.

After some talking the doctor asked for yet another ultrasound to make sure that everything was okay. During the ultrasound they found that the ectopic pregnancy was still there along with some blood and a rather large cyst. Then the dreaded words, "when's the last time you ate?". My tube had ruptured and I needed surgery immediately.

What it all boils down to is this...the pain was from the large amount of internal bleeding that was happening along with this cyst. After getting inside me the doctor realized that there was no way that my fallopian tube could be saved. So, that was removed along with the cyst and all the blood.

The good news. My fertility will NOT be negatively affected by this procedure at all! Apparently two functioning ovaries can use one functioning fallopian tube...pretty amazing and a definite blessing for us.

So here I sit again confused, sad, angry, and scared. Yet, overjoyed to still have my life and the chance to create another still with me. I continue to wonder why this is all happening, but understand that I may never know and that it really doesn't matter. I wonder how all this will be used to glorify God; it just doesn't seem possible. I sit here and think that I don't want some amazing testimony or story. And then I laugh because this is usually followed up with the thought that God doesn't really care...He's doing exactly what I/us/you need to happen.

It hurts. It makes no sense. It tests me. It pushes me. But I am still going. I wake up every day. I am blessed beyond measure. I am loved.

A few more thoughts:

Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. (James 1:12 NASB)

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NASB)

What is "Significant"?

Did I mention that life has been quite a whirlwind recently? Let me reiterate...it's been like a darn tornado.

Last night we spent seven and a half hours in the ER. This was after receiving an email from my doctor that he was worried about an ectopic pregnancy. I was told that if I have any "significant" abdominal pain that I need to be seen immediately. This was also true for dizziness, faintness, and weakness. I spent almost the entire weekend trying to figure out whether my pain was "significant" or not. But then, after church it didn't really matter anymore because it was then that I began feeling kind of dizzy and tingly, like I would before a panic attack.

Long story short - after hours in the ER it was confirmed that whatever baby that may have been in my uterus was now gone and that I had one growing near my right ovary instead. I have no answers as to where the other baby went, but it's gone. My only option was to take a shot of Methatrexate in hopes of stopping the development of the ectopic pregnancy and avoiding a life-threatening situation. So that's what we did. My days to come should now be filled with pain, bleeding, and lots more blood work.

Since the last time I updates this blog I had had a major attitude change. I was feeling like my old self despite the grim news. I was laughing, being silly, and enjoying my time. I can only attribute that to all of the prayer that we have been receiving. Because, things have only gotten more frustrating and confusing. At this point though, I am finding it hard to find that laughter again. I feel the cynicism creeping back in...I hate that feeling. I'm not sure whether to be happy that this was not a third miscarriage...maybe, or to be worried that this ectopic pregnancy has opened up a whole new can of worms. Are my odds of having a successful pregnancy now increased, decreased, or the same? Am I ALWAYS going to have this much trouble, worry, fear, and anxiety about getting/being pregnant? Please join with me in praying not.

Apparently I'm not out of the woods yet. There is still a chance that my tube will rupture despite the medication. Again, let's please pray that this is not part of the plan. I'm actually sitting here sort of smirking because pretty much everything we have prayed against has happened...except for a molar pregnancy. And, thank God that wasn't the diagnosis. But seriously, we pray for a healthy pregnancy...no. We pray for a natural miscarriage...no. We pray against ectopic pregnancy...yes. Our flesh would say that prayer doesn't seem to be working so why continue. I'll be honest; I have asked that a thousand times, and I am having a hard time turning to God now. But, I want and need continued prayers. Really there is nothing else to hang onto. For some reason this is the way this is all supposed to go down. Perhaps it is like the scripture I mentioned in my last post says...trials create endurance with its perfect results.

Watch and Wait

Wow, this week has truely been a rough one. As you may have read in my last post, I had an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday for more blood work. This was to ensure that my hcg levels (basically the pregnancy hormone) was back to the not pregnant level. This is best scenario when faced with a miscarriage as it indicates that my body has successfully ended the pregnancy naturally. To our surprise my levels had risen. Really!?! Now, they had not risen enough to suggest that this might in fact be a viable pregnancy, mind you. But, they had risen.

This caused my doctor to be rather concerned. This is not what is supposed to happen. Not even close. So, it was decided that I would wait two days and get my levels checked again.

That brings us to today. Again, my levels have risen since Tuesday. Again, not enough to suspect a viable pregnancy. At this point my doc is on vacation and I am seeing his partner. Both of which are great. When we asked the doc if this ever happens or if he had ever experienced this he said, no. Wonderful, so now we have a very "peculiar" situation. A situation which the doctor is rather perplexed and unsure of. So, our (mine and Chris's) job is to figure out where we want to go from here. Here are my options...
1. Take a shot that stops the production of folic acid - which is needed for any developing fetus.
2. D and C - surgery that scrapes the uterus in hopes of removing everything
3. Watch and wait - just to see what happens.

I am frustrated, drained, confused, and sad to say the least. It's as if we are getting the exact opposite of everything that we pray for. Exactly how long do we have to drag this thing out? The only thing we know at this point is that this is not a "normal pregnancy". So, does this mean that technically I am still pregnant? Uggghhhh...what, what do we do, feel, pray for, etc.

Everyday I say that I am not sure that I can take anymore, of anything. I'm done. But then I wake up the next morning and go on with another day. I actually had this thought today that if something happened to me that would be just fine with me. I then quickly realized that I like my life and love my husband too incredibly much and so much more than I hate this situation. That is something to thank God for.

I haven't felt like praying, worshiping, reading my Bible, or even talking about Jesus recently. I just don't even feel like I have the energy for it. I feel like I have wanted God to step into this situation and make it what I want it to be, and He hasn't. Why? I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never understand why this is happening, or why we have to go through this.

I wish I had some clever but statement to put in next, but I don't. I just really don't. I do know this though...I love God, my life is great, I have an amazing husband, awesome friends and family, and more support than I could have ever imagined. I know that I am not alone no matter how lonely I get. Thank you all for that.

One last thought:

Consider it joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, knowing that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

Where We Are

I thought of something today that Chris brought to my attention when we realized that we were
losing this child...in the time that it takes a women to conceive, carry, and deliver one healthy child, we have lost three. What a harsh reality that was. It almost seems impossible. But then again, it now seems like such a foreign idea to me that most women will have little to no pregnancy complications.

Chris and I now fall into some ridiculous statistic - approximately 1% of couples that are trying to conceive will experience three miscarriages in a row. Not the kind of special one really wants to be.

I cried today. A lot. I don't know why today was so hard, but it was. It's difficult for me to be alone right now. I think way too much. I get sad, angry, hurt, and confused. I am completely helpless to this situation. At least that is what it feels like. I literally watched all three of my children slip away with no way of being able to stop it. There was absolutely nothing that I could have done. So, why do I feel so awful about that in particular?

On to what I was initially hoping to share today. Tomorrow I have an appointment to make sure that this miscarriage has resolved itself naturally. Such an interesting thing to hope for...that your body has successfully expelled your baby. But, that is the hope. We will also begin talking to the doctor about testing. We are now at a point where I need to be tested for a whole line of different things that may have caused these miscarriages. I am scared. It is estimated that only about 50% of couples will actually find a reason for their losses. I'm stumped on how to pray for this one. Do I pray that something is wrong but that it can be fixed? Or, do I pray that nothing is wrong and that we will just never have this problem again?

Either way, I ask all of you reading this to pray for Chris and I as we head to the doctor tomorrow. Pray for a naturally resolved miscarriage. And then just pray as the Lord leads you. We need your prayers. I need your prayers.

Here It Is

After reading my first post this morning my husband commented that nobody will get an idea of what is going on by reading it. Yes, I realize this. I'm not trying to be mysterious; I just felt like where I started was the best place to start. But, I do want to get my story out there, so here it is...

My husband Chris and I got married about four years ago. We had already planned on immediately trying to have children. Chris is almost twelve years older than me and was worried about being an "old dad". I just wanted children. Fast forward about three and a half years...still no children (despite our very honest efforts). We had begun to worry that we would not be able to have children. At that point we fit the textbook definition of an infertile couple. We were devastated, sad, angry, and scared. However, for some reason we felt that we should not yet jump into any fertility testing.

Another holiday season came and went. And then there was February 2011. Something was different. I wasn't feeling that great and began developing pregnancy symptoms. I tested...POSITIVE!!! We were so excited and surprised. It was confirmed that we can in fact conceive! However, our joy abruptly turned to sorrow when five days later I miscarried our first child.

March and April were two of the hardest months of my life. My doctor explained that as long as I was emotionally ready we could immediately start trying again for a second pregnancy. I was torn apart emotionally and spiritually, but nothing was going to stop us now. For we now knew that we could indeed create life!

And then there was May 2011. Something was different. Something was wrong. May was the month that I learned that I had again gotten pregnant but lost our second child to a very early miscarriage. This time I didn't even know I was pregnant...until it was ending.

This time my doctor explained to me that having two miscarriages in a row is still not what they consider to be "abnormal". However, he graciously offered to begin conducting testing just to make sure that everything was okay. Again, we decided to wait. The chances of us having a third miscarriage were increased at this point, but still slim.

May, June, July, August, and September all came and went. Nothing. And then there was October 2011. Something was different. I was pregnant...again. I couldn't help but be excited. But I was also scared, very, very scared. At this point I had no evidence suggesting that I could actually sustain a life inside me. Regardless, we were ecstatic! I was only about three weeks along when we found out this time. For two and a half precious weeks we got to be "parents to be". That is when it came to an end again. Exactly two weeks ago today I began miscarrying our third child. Now I sit here in November 2011 writing about my three miscarriages all while thinking about the fact that this is the month that our first child would have been born.

The Beginning

Let me begin by saying that this is the first time I have ever blogged.  I don't journal on a regular basis and typically avoid sharing about myself as much as possible.  I have always been this way.  I just don't share.  However, after facing many years of trials, tribulations, and some much needed joys my husband suggested that I share my (our) story.  I must say that I was extremely reluctant at first; almost angry that he would suggest such a thing.  Me?  Share?  What good would that do anybody?  If I shared my story I would lay out for the whole world to see my failures and weaknesses.  People would no longer see me as being strong and "having it together".  I would become completely vulnerable and the truth about who I am would be no longer be hidden.

After a lot of patience, love, and strong nudges from my husband I agreed to share my story with a very select group of people.  Honestly, this group of people did not include a single member of my family.  Although I do believe that my husband talked to his mom.  For me, I wasn't ready to face my family.  I don't know why.  I know they love me no matter what.  Perhaps I felt that it would become too real if they were aware of my situation.   Instead I began by cautiously talking to a few friends here and there.  Asking for prayer, guidance, compassion, and love.  That is what I needed...need.  I then began talking to my family.  You know, I was never frowned at or blamed by my friends and family.  I was never looked down upon to criticized.  Instead I was given the best they had to offer.  I was given their prayers, guidance, compassion, and love.

The more I branched out in sharing my story the more I realized that my story needs to and should be shared.  It needs to be shared so that others know they are not alone.  It needs to be shared to spread awareness.  It needs to be shared so that I can heal.  So, my hope is that this blog will allow me to do just that.

I began typing this first post with every intention of diving right into my story.  But, I realized that my story is so much more than that to me.  My story touches on some very real and heartbreaking issues, blessings beyond measure, and personal growth.  And, it is a story that just keeps on going.  I hope that you will join me!