Watch and Wait

Wow, this week has truely been a rough one. As you may have read in my last post, I had an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday for more blood work. This was to ensure that my hcg levels (basically the pregnancy hormone) was back to the not pregnant level. This is best scenario when faced with a miscarriage as it indicates that my body has successfully ended the pregnancy naturally. To our surprise my levels had risen. Really!?! Now, they had not risen enough to suggest that this might in fact be a viable pregnancy, mind you. But, they had risen.

This caused my doctor to be rather concerned. This is not what is supposed to happen. Not even close. So, it was decided that I would wait two days and get my levels checked again.

That brings us to today. Again, my levels have risen since Tuesday. Again, not enough to suspect a viable pregnancy. At this point my doc is on vacation and I am seeing his partner. Both of which are great. When we asked the doc if this ever happens or if he had ever experienced this he said, no. Wonderful, so now we have a very "peculiar" situation. A situation which the doctor is rather perplexed and unsure of. So, our (mine and Chris's) job is to figure out where we want to go from here. Here are my options...
1. Take a shot that stops the production of folic acid - which is needed for any developing fetus.
2. D and C - surgery that scrapes the uterus in hopes of removing everything
3. Watch and wait - just to see what happens.

I am frustrated, drained, confused, and sad to say the least. It's as if we are getting the exact opposite of everything that we pray for. Exactly how long do we have to drag this thing out? The only thing we know at this point is that this is not a "normal pregnancy". So, does this mean that technically I am still pregnant? Uggghhhh...what, what do we do, feel, pray for, etc.

Everyday I say that I am not sure that I can take anymore, of anything. I'm done. But then I wake up the next morning and go on with another day. I actually had this thought today that if something happened to me that would be just fine with me. I then quickly realized that I like my life and love my husband too incredibly much and so much more than I hate this situation. That is something to thank God for.

I haven't felt like praying, worshiping, reading my Bible, or even talking about Jesus recently. I just don't even feel like I have the energy for it. I feel like I have wanted God to step into this situation and make it what I want it to be, and He hasn't. Why? I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never understand why this is happening, or why we have to go through this.

I wish I had some clever but statement to put in next, but I don't. I just really don't. I do know this though...I love God, my life is great, I have an amazing husband, awesome friends and family, and more support than I could have ever imagined. I know that I am not alone no matter how lonely I get. Thank you all for that.

One last thought:

Consider it joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, knowing that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4