What is "Significant"?

Did I mention that life has been quite a whirlwind recently? Let me reiterate...it's been like a darn tornado.

Last night we spent seven and a half hours in the ER. This was after receiving an email from my doctor that he was worried about an ectopic pregnancy. I was told that if I have any "significant" abdominal pain that I need to be seen immediately. This was also true for dizziness, faintness, and weakness. I spent almost the entire weekend trying to figure out whether my pain was "significant" or not. But then, after church it didn't really matter anymore because it was then that I began feeling kind of dizzy and tingly, like I would before a panic attack.

Long story short - after hours in the ER it was confirmed that whatever baby that may have been in my uterus was now gone and that I had one growing near my right ovary instead. I have no answers as to where the other baby went, but it's gone. My only option was to take a shot of Methatrexate in hopes of stopping the development of the ectopic pregnancy and avoiding a life-threatening situation. So that's what we did. My days to come should now be filled with pain, bleeding, and lots more blood work.

Since the last time I updates this blog I had had a major attitude change. I was feeling like my old self despite the grim news. I was laughing, being silly, and enjoying my time. I can only attribute that to all of the prayer that we have been receiving. Because, things have only gotten more frustrating and confusing. At this point though, I am finding it hard to find that laughter again. I feel the cynicism creeping back in...I hate that feeling. I'm not sure whether to be happy that this was not a third miscarriage...maybe, or to be worried that this ectopic pregnancy has opened up a whole new can of worms. Are my odds of having a successful pregnancy now increased, decreased, or the same? Am I ALWAYS going to have this much trouble, worry, fear, and anxiety about getting/being pregnant? Please join with me in praying not.

Apparently I'm not out of the woods yet. There is still a chance that my tube will rupture despite the medication. Again, let's please pray that this is not part of the plan. I'm actually sitting here sort of smirking because pretty much everything we have prayed against has happened...except for a molar pregnancy. And, thank God that wasn't the diagnosis. But seriously, we pray for a healthy pregnancy...no. We pray for a natural miscarriage...no. We pray against ectopic pregnancy...yes. Our flesh would say that prayer doesn't seem to be working so why continue. I'll be honest; I have asked that a thousand times, and I am having a hard time turning to God now. But, I want and need continued prayers. Really there is nothing else to hang onto. For some reason this is the way this is all supposed to go down. Perhaps it is like the scripture I mentioned in my last post says...trials create endurance with its perfect results.