When I'm Alone

As I mentioned before, life seems to be getting back to normal. Im back at work, feel good, and have been told that I look healthier and healthier each day. Several people have commented on my ability to move on so quickly; my ability to go about life as if nothing happened; my ability to talk about everything we have been through without shedding a single tear. Apparently I'm strong, a fighter.

For the most part I am able to keep myself busy. I'm usually surrounded by people or I'm with my husband. I am able to occupy my time and mind with mundane activities, job duties, and genuinely fun times with the people I love. My days are filled with client appointments, paperwork, and down time with my husband. The holidays have given me even more to do with events to attend, food to prepare, and shopping to do. So I keep busy and I do it all with a smile on my face and what appears to be unwavering strength.

But when I'm alone or I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep with the sound of Chris off in dreamland, I realize how robotic I have become. I see how my desire to move on has pushed me to ignore the hard feelings and just be. Physically I am present but my mind and heart are far away, performing by habit. I realize that I have allowed myself to become completely cut off and although i hate to say it, bitter. And, this is exactly where I never wanted to be.

When I'm alone the numbness that has saturated my entire being begins to be replaced by a sorrow so deeply rooted that I have a difficult time trying to explain it. I find myself begging God to take away my memories of the past nine months, to erase the feelings of sorrow, shame, fear, and doubt. I beg God to have mercy on me and allow joy to penetrate to the deepest parts of my soul. I need peace. I need hope. I need a break.

I'm tired of crying alone. I'm tired of trying to be strong when I feel weak. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of the doubt and fear. I'm just really, really tired.

Specific prayer requests:

Pray that my heart will soften.
Pray that I will allow God in in ways that I never have before.
Pray that I will feel the strength, joy, and peace that I desire.
Pray against fear.