Here It Is

After reading my first post this morning my husband commented that nobody will get an idea of what is going on by reading it. Yes, I realize this. I'm not trying to be mysterious; I just felt like where I started was the best place to start. But, I do want to get my story out there, so here it is...

My husband Chris and I got married about four years ago. We had already planned on immediately trying to have children. Chris is almost twelve years older than me and was worried about being an "old dad". I just wanted children. Fast forward about three and a half years...still no children (despite our very honest efforts). We had begun to worry that we would not be able to have children. At that point we fit the textbook definition of an infertile couple. We were devastated, sad, angry, and scared. However, for some reason we felt that we should not yet jump into any fertility testing.

Another holiday season came and went. And then there was February 2011. Something was different. I wasn't feeling that great and began developing pregnancy symptoms. I tested...POSITIVE!!! We were so excited and surprised. It was confirmed that we can in fact conceive! However, our joy abruptly turned to sorrow when five days later I miscarried our first child.

March and April were two of the hardest months of my life. My doctor explained that as long as I was emotionally ready we could immediately start trying again for a second pregnancy. I was torn apart emotionally and spiritually, but nothing was going to stop us now. For we now knew that we could indeed create life!

And then there was May 2011. Something was different. Something was wrong. May was the month that I learned that I had again gotten pregnant but lost our second child to a very early miscarriage. This time I didn't even know I was pregnant...until it was ending.

This time my doctor explained to me that having two miscarriages in a row is still not what they consider to be "abnormal". However, he graciously offered to begin conducting testing just to make sure that everything was okay. Again, we decided to wait. The chances of us having a third miscarriage were increased at this point, but still slim.

May, June, July, August, and September all came and went. Nothing. And then there was October 2011. Something was different. I was pregnant...again. I couldn't help but be excited. But I was also scared, very, very scared. At this point I had no evidence suggesting that I could actually sustain a life inside me. Regardless, we were ecstatic! I was only about three weeks along when we found out this time. For two and a half precious weeks we got to be "parents to be". That is when it came to an end again. Exactly two weeks ago today I began miscarrying our third child. Now I sit here in November 2011 writing about my three miscarriages all while thinking about the fact that this is the month that our first child would have been born.