Strange Revelation

Just a quick update on where we are: Everything has healed nicely and my body recognizes that I am no longer pregnant. This is all good since it was a necessary step in starting some tests. I went today to have blood drawn for testing. This testing will check for many different issues that my be causing me to miscarry. However, often these tests come back normal and no answers are found. I find myself in an interesting place - I don't want there to be anything wrong, but I do want answers. So, I'm not really sure how to pray about this. Not sure when we will get the results. I will be sure to share when we do.

"In hope against hope he believed". That is what the Bible says about Abraham when God told him that his offspring would be as many as there are stars in the sky. Isn't it strange that even when all the evidence is against us we continue to hang onto hope. Even if it's just the tiniest bit of hope that seems so far away. We just cannot let go of it.

I wonder if that is how Abraham felt. That's how I feel. Despite what statistics say and regardless of what I have experienced so far, I constantly have this unwavering hope in my heart. I cannot explain this. But it is there. In fact, sometimes I wish it would go away...maybe then it would be easier. No, I need this hope.

I have found though that recently, despite my hope, I no longer know how to talk to God about my struggle to be a mother. I usually cannot figure out where to begin, what words to say, or even get my thoughts strait. When I am able to find my voice I just end up saying, asking, and pleading for the same things over and over again. This is so frustrating because there are no words that I could use to express to God the true desires of my heart. It's frustrating because I want God to hear my cries and acknowledge my desires.

This is what I read today:

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perserverance we wait eagerly for it. In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words..." Romans 8:24-26

Just as I am feeling that my hope is getting me nowhere in my prayer time with God, He assures me that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me. Really, God!?! So, when I cannot even begin to figure out how to pray the Holy Spirit is doing it for me? Yep, that's what it says. He is seeing the desires of my heart and hearing my cries and expressing them with "groanings too deep for words"...the same words that I have been unable to find for months. The Holy Spirit is going to the deepest parts of my soul in order to make my requests known to God. He is praying for me!

This is such a strange revelation for me. You see, I have read this passage many times. I have heard pastors cite it in their sermons. But, somehow only now does the meaning of this truth really come to life for me.

Remember when I talked about God being kinda funny...knowing what we need when we need it? Well, here He goes again. God knows that having hope against all hope is not easy. He knows that I do not know how to pray properly. God knows that I worry that my prayers aren't fancy enough, long enough, deep enough. That I'm afraid that I focus too much or not enough on myself. That I worry that God is just tired of me butchering my quiet time with Him. But mostly, that I'm scared that I am not expressing my heart in any comprehensible way.

I believe that God knows all of these things and that He probably sits back, shows me His truth, and then chuckles again as I let it sink into my heart. Instead of just leaving me hanging in my times of speechless worry, He sends the Holy Spirit in to pick up my slack or "help my weakness" without me even asking.