A Bittersweet Anniversary

I never really understood why people are often so affected by the anniversary of a traumatic event or someone's death. I had a friend in high school who mourned her grandmother's passing every year. She would reminisce and cry for a couple days, reminding us of how special and missed her grandmother was. Although I understood the reality of her sorrow, I did not understand why she was still so emotionally connected to her grandmother's death.

I was not very acquainted with loss of any kind until last year. Yes, I have lost a grandparent, my great uncle, and my father in-law. And, I still miss them and think of them. But, those experiences have not impacted me in the same way as my high school friend.

2011, however, was different. Almost one year ago I found out that I was pregnant. After four years of trying, we were finally going to be parents. Because of that one precious day I now understand what my friend experienced each year.

There is nothing I don't remember (or can't forget) about the weeks surrounding our exciting realization. I always had pregnancy tests on hand - just in case. I knew something was different this time around. Chris and I had just returned from our yearly church network conference. It was the weekend of my birthday...I hadn't been feeling well all weekend. On Sunday morning, February 27th, I decided to test. I immediately got a positive reading. Because Chris was already at church I had to call to let him know. That morning I literally fell to my knees praising and thanking God for this answered prayer. A few days later I remember telling Chris that I did not believe that God would allow this pregnancy to end in miscarriage. A few days after that, on March 3rd, I began to miscarry.

I remember my excitement, the pregnancy magazines my husband bought, and the plans we had about our soon to be nursery that filled those five precious days. I remember the physical pain, helplessness, and utter sadness that filled the next several weeks even more. I remember begging God to save our child. I remember the sleepless nights, the late night movies I watched to pass time, and the spot on the couch that I stayed for several days. I have grown to hate that couch.

Unfortunately I now completely understand how such an event has the ability to capture and hold you despite your desire to move on. How one day in your life can change you for what seems like forever. I am scared, hurt, sad, and hopeful. I am scared of facing the upcoming months and the memories that I have involuntarily associated with them. I am hurt that I seem unable to move on. I am sad that another year has gone by and despite our pregnancies we are still childless. I am hopeful that I will still become a mother. For these reasons I call this year to come "A Bittersweet Anniversary".

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint... Romans 5:3-5