Remember that tornado I was talking about in my last post? Well, apparently that was the calm before the storm. It has been a while since I last wrote...not sure exactly what day my last post was on, but a lot has transpired since then.
As some of you reading this already know, I had to go into emergency surgery this past Wednesday morning. At about 3am on Wednesday I woke up to severe abdominal pain. I was told that the shot I received on Sunday night at the ER would cause me pain similar to this so I just thought it was related to that. However, five hours later the pain was still as severe and a little scary. Since I was supposed to see my doctor later that day anyway we decided to call when they opened to let the know what was happening. They asked me to come in right away.
After some talking the doctor asked for yet another ultrasound to make sure that everything was okay. During the ultrasound they found that the ectopic pregnancy was still there along with some blood and a rather large cyst. Then the dreaded words, "when's the last time you ate?". My tube had ruptured and I needed surgery immediately.
What it all boils down to is this...the pain was from the large amount of internal bleeding that was happening along with this cyst. After getting inside me the doctor realized that there was no way that my fallopian tube could be saved. So, that was removed along with the cyst and all the blood.
The good news. My fertility will NOT be negatively affected by this procedure at all! Apparently two functioning ovaries can use one functioning fallopian tube...pretty amazing and a definite blessing for us.
So here I sit again confused, sad, angry, and scared. Yet, overjoyed to still have my life and the chance to create another still with me. I continue to wonder why this is all happening, but understand that I may never know and that it really doesn't matter. I wonder how all this will be used to glorify God; it just doesn't seem possible. I sit here and think that I don't want some amazing testimony or story. And then I laugh because this is usually followed up with the thought that God doesn't really care...He's doing exactly what I/us/you need to happen.
It hurts. It makes no sense. It tests me. It pushes me. But I am still going. I wake up every day. I am blessed beyond measure. I am loved.
A few more thoughts:
Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. (James 1:12 NASB)
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NASB)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
What is "Significant"?
Did I mention that life has been quite a whirlwind recently? Let me reiterate...it's been like a darn tornado.
Last night we spent seven and a half hours in the ER. This was after receiving an email from my doctor that he was worried about an ectopic pregnancy. I was told that if I have any "significant" abdominal pain that I need to be seen immediately. This was also true for dizziness, faintness, and weakness. I spent almost the entire weekend trying to figure out whether my pain was "significant" or not. But then, after church it didn't really matter anymore because it was then that I began feeling kind of dizzy and tingly, like I would before a panic attack.
Long story short - after hours in the ER it was confirmed that whatever baby that may have been in my uterus was now gone and that I had one growing near my right ovary instead. I have no answers as to where the other baby went, but it's gone. My only option was to take a shot of Methatrexate in hopes of stopping the development of the ectopic pregnancy and avoiding a life-threatening situation. So that's what we did. My days to come should now be filled with pain, bleeding, and lots more blood work.
Since the last time I updates this blog I had had a major attitude change. I was feeling like my old self despite the grim news. I was laughing, being silly, and enjoying my time. I can only attribute that to all of the prayer that we have been receiving. Because, things have only gotten more frustrating and confusing. At this point though, I am finding it hard to find that laughter again. I feel the cynicism creeping back in...I hate that feeling. I'm not sure whether to be happy that this was not a third miscarriage...maybe, or to be worried that this ectopic pregnancy has opened up a whole new can of worms. Are my odds of having a successful pregnancy now increased, decreased, or the same? Am I ALWAYS going to have this much trouble, worry, fear, and anxiety about getting/being pregnant? Please join with me in praying not.
Apparently I'm not out of the woods yet. There is still a chance that my tube will rupture despite the medication. Again, let's please pray that this is not part of the plan. I'm actually sitting here sort of smirking because pretty much everything we have prayed against has happened...except for a molar pregnancy. And, thank God that wasn't the diagnosis. But seriously, we pray for a healthy pregnancy...no. We pray for a natural miscarriage...no. We pray against ectopic pregnancy...yes. Our flesh would say that prayer doesn't seem to be working so why continue. I'll be honest; I have asked that a thousand times, and I am having a hard time turning to God now. But, I want and need continued prayers. Really there is nothing else to hang onto. For some reason this is the way this is all supposed to go down. Perhaps it is like the scripture I mentioned in my last post says...trials create endurance with its perfect results.
Last night we spent seven and a half hours in the ER. This was after receiving an email from my doctor that he was worried about an ectopic pregnancy. I was told that if I have any "significant" abdominal pain that I need to be seen immediately. This was also true for dizziness, faintness, and weakness. I spent almost the entire weekend trying to figure out whether my pain was "significant" or not. But then, after church it didn't really matter anymore because it was then that I began feeling kind of dizzy and tingly, like I would before a panic attack.
Long story short - after hours in the ER it was confirmed that whatever baby that may have been in my uterus was now gone and that I had one growing near my right ovary instead. I have no answers as to where the other baby went, but it's gone. My only option was to take a shot of Methatrexate in hopes of stopping the development of the ectopic pregnancy and avoiding a life-threatening situation. So that's what we did. My days to come should now be filled with pain, bleeding, and lots more blood work.
Since the last time I updates this blog I had had a major attitude change. I was feeling like my old self despite the grim news. I was laughing, being silly, and enjoying my time. I can only attribute that to all of the prayer that we have been receiving. Because, things have only gotten more frustrating and confusing. At this point though, I am finding it hard to find that laughter again. I feel the cynicism creeping back in...I hate that feeling. I'm not sure whether to be happy that this was not a third miscarriage...maybe, or to be worried that this ectopic pregnancy has opened up a whole new can of worms. Are my odds of having a successful pregnancy now increased, decreased, or the same? Am I ALWAYS going to have this much trouble, worry, fear, and anxiety about getting/being pregnant? Please join with me in praying not.
Apparently I'm not out of the woods yet. There is still a chance that my tube will rupture despite the medication. Again, let's please pray that this is not part of the plan. I'm actually sitting here sort of smirking because pretty much everything we have prayed against has happened...except for a molar pregnancy. And, thank God that wasn't the diagnosis. But seriously, we pray for a healthy pregnancy...no. We pray for a natural miscarriage...no. We pray against ectopic pregnancy...yes. Our flesh would say that prayer doesn't seem to be working so why continue. I'll be honest; I have asked that a thousand times, and I am having a hard time turning to God now. But, I want and need continued prayers. Really there is nothing else to hang onto. For some reason this is the way this is all supposed to go down. Perhaps it is like the scripture I mentioned in my last post says...trials create endurance with its perfect results.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Watch and Wait
Wow, this week has truely been a rough one. As you may have read in my last post, I had an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday for more blood work. This was to ensure that my hcg levels (basically the pregnancy hormone) was back to the not pregnant level. This is best scenario when faced with a miscarriage as it indicates that my body has successfully ended the pregnancy naturally. To our surprise my levels had risen. Really!?! Now, they had not risen enough to suggest that this might in fact be a viable pregnancy, mind you. But, they had risen.
This caused my doctor to be rather concerned. This is not what is supposed to happen. Not even close. So, it was decided that I would wait two days and get my levels checked again.
That brings us to today. Again, my levels have risen since Tuesday. Again, not enough to suspect a viable pregnancy. At this point my doc is on vacation and I am seeing his partner. Both of which are great. When we asked the doc if this ever happens or if he had ever experienced this he said, no. Wonderful, so now we have a very "peculiar" situation. A situation which the doctor is rather perplexed and unsure of. So, our (mine and Chris's) job is to figure out where we want to go from here. Here are my options...
1. Take a shot that stops the production of folic acid - which is needed for any developing fetus.
2. D and C - surgery that scrapes the uterus in hopes of removing everything
3. Watch and wait - just to see what happens.
I am frustrated, drained, confused, and sad to say the least. It's as if we are getting the exact opposite of everything that we pray for. Exactly how long do we have to drag this thing out? The only thing we know at this point is that this is not a "normal pregnancy". So, does this mean that technically I am still pregnant? Uggghhhh...what, what do we do, feel, pray for, etc.
Everyday I say that I am not sure that I can take anymore, of anything. I'm done. But then I wake up the next morning and go on with another day. I actually had this thought today that if something happened to me that would be just fine with me. I then quickly realized that I like my life and love my husband too incredibly much and so much more than I hate this situation. That is something to thank God for.
I haven't felt like praying, worshiping, reading my Bible, or even talking about Jesus recently. I just don't even feel like I have the energy for it. I feel like I have wanted God to step into this situation and make it what I want it to be, and He hasn't. Why? I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never understand why this is happening, or why we have to go through this.
I wish I had some clever but statement to put in next, but I don't. I just really don't. I do know this though...I love God, my life is great, I have an amazing husband, awesome friends and family, and more support than I could have ever imagined. I know that I am not alone no matter how lonely I get. Thank you all for that.
One last thought:
Consider it joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, knowing that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
This caused my doctor to be rather concerned. This is not what is supposed to happen. Not even close. So, it was decided that I would wait two days and get my levels checked again.
That brings us to today. Again, my levels have risen since Tuesday. Again, not enough to suspect a viable pregnancy. At this point my doc is on vacation and I am seeing his partner. Both of which are great. When we asked the doc if this ever happens or if he had ever experienced this he said, no. Wonderful, so now we have a very "peculiar" situation. A situation which the doctor is rather perplexed and unsure of. So, our (mine and Chris's) job is to figure out where we want to go from here. Here are my options...
1. Take a shot that stops the production of folic acid - which is needed for any developing fetus.
2. D and C - surgery that scrapes the uterus in hopes of removing everything
3. Watch and wait - just to see what happens.
I am frustrated, drained, confused, and sad to say the least. It's as if we are getting the exact opposite of everything that we pray for. Exactly how long do we have to drag this thing out? The only thing we know at this point is that this is not a "normal pregnancy". So, does this mean that technically I am still pregnant? Uggghhhh...what, what do we do, feel, pray for, etc.
Everyday I say that I am not sure that I can take anymore, of anything. I'm done. But then I wake up the next morning and go on with another day. I actually had this thought today that if something happened to me that would be just fine with me. I then quickly realized that I like my life and love my husband too incredibly much and so much more than I hate this situation. That is something to thank God for.
I haven't felt like praying, worshiping, reading my Bible, or even talking about Jesus recently. I just don't even feel like I have the energy for it. I feel like I have wanted God to step into this situation and make it what I want it to be, and He hasn't. Why? I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never understand why this is happening, or why we have to go through this.
I wish I had some clever but statement to put in next, but I don't. I just really don't. I do know this though...I love God, my life is great, I have an amazing husband, awesome friends and family, and more support than I could have ever imagined. I know that I am not alone no matter how lonely I get. Thank you all for that.
One last thought:
Consider it joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, knowing that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
Monday, November 7, 2011
Where We Are
I thought of something today that Chris brought to my attention when we realized that we were
losing this child...in the time that it takes a women to conceive, carry, and deliver one healthy child, we have lost three. What a harsh reality that was. It almost seems impossible. But then again, it now seems like such a foreign idea to me that most women will have little to no pregnancy complications.
Chris and I now fall into some ridiculous statistic - approximately 1% of couples that are trying to conceive will experience three miscarriages in a row. Not the kind of special one really wants to be.
I cried today. A lot. I don't know why today was so hard, but it was. It's difficult for me to be alone right now. I think way too much. I get sad, angry, hurt, and confused. I am completely helpless to this situation. At least that is what it feels like. I literally watched all three of my children slip away with no way of being able to stop it. There was absolutely nothing that I could have done. So, why do I feel so awful about that in particular?
On to what I was initially hoping to share today. Tomorrow I have an appointment to make sure that this miscarriage has resolved itself naturally. Such an interesting thing to hope for...that your body has successfully expelled your baby. But, that is the hope. We will also begin talking to the doctor about testing. We are now at a point where I need to be tested for a whole line of different things that may have caused these miscarriages. I am scared. It is estimated that only about 50% of couples will actually find a reason for their losses. I'm stumped on how to pray for this one. Do I pray that something is wrong but that it can be fixed? Or, do I pray that nothing is wrong and that we will just never have this problem again?
Either way, I ask all of you reading this to pray for Chris and I as we head to the doctor tomorrow. Pray for a naturally resolved miscarriage. And then just pray as the Lord leads you. We need your prayers. I need your prayers.
losing this child...in the time that it takes a women to conceive, carry, and deliver one healthy child, we have lost three. What a harsh reality that was. It almost seems impossible. But then again, it now seems like such a foreign idea to me that most women will have little to no pregnancy complications.
Chris and I now fall into some ridiculous statistic - approximately 1% of couples that are trying to conceive will experience three miscarriages in a row. Not the kind of special one really wants to be.
I cried today. A lot. I don't know why today was so hard, but it was. It's difficult for me to be alone right now. I think way too much. I get sad, angry, hurt, and confused. I am completely helpless to this situation. At least that is what it feels like. I literally watched all three of my children slip away with no way of being able to stop it. There was absolutely nothing that I could have done. So, why do I feel so awful about that in particular?
On to what I was initially hoping to share today. Tomorrow I have an appointment to make sure that this miscarriage has resolved itself naturally. Such an interesting thing to hope for...that your body has successfully expelled your baby. But, that is the hope. We will also begin talking to the doctor about testing. We are now at a point where I need to be tested for a whole line of different things that may have caused these miscarriages. I am scared. It is estimated that only about 50% of couples will actually find a reason for their losses. I'm stumped on how to pray for this one. Do I pray that something is wrong but that it can be fixed? Or, do I pray that nothing is wrong and that we will just never have this problem again?
Either way, I ask all of you reading this to pray for Chris and I as we head to the doctor tomorrow. Pray for a naturally resolved miscarriage. And then just pray as the Lord leads you. We need your prayers. I need your prayers.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Here It Is
After reading my first post this morning my husband commented that nobody will get an idea of what is going on by reading it. Yes, I realize this. I'm not trying to be mysterious; I just felt like where I started was the best place to start. But, I do want to get my story out there, so here it is...
My husband Chris and I got married about four years ago. We had already planned on immediately trying to have children. Chris is almost twelve years older than me and was worried about being an "old dad". I just wanted children. Fast forward about three and a half years...still no children (despite our very honest efforts). We had begun to worry that we would not be able to have children. At that point we fit the textbook definition of an infertile couple. We were devastated, sad, angry, and scared. However, for some reason we felt that we should not yet jump into any fertility testing.
Another holiday season came and went. And then there was February 2011. Something was different. I wasn't feeling that great and began developing pregnancy symptoms. I tested...POSITIVE!!! We were so excited and surprised. It was confirmed that we can in fact conceive! However, our joy abruptly turned to sorrow when five days later I miscarried our first child.
March and April were two of the hardest months of my life. My doctor explained that as long as I was emotionally ready we could immediately start trying again for a second pregnancy. I was torn apart emotionally and spiritually, but nothing was going to stop us now. For we now knew that we could indeed create life!
And then there was May 2011. Something was different. Something was wrong. May was the month that I learned that I had again gotten pregnant but lost our second child to a very early miscarriage. This time I didn't even know I was pregnant...until it was ending.
This time my doctor explained to me that having two miscarriages in a row is still not what they consider to be "abnormal". However, he graciously offered to begin conducting testing just to make sure that everything was okay. Again, we decided to wait. The chances of us having a third miscarriage were increased at this point, but still slim.
May, June, July, August, and September all came and went. Nothing. And then there was October 2011. Something was different. I was pregnant...again. I couldn't help but be excited. But I was also scared, very, very scared. At this point I had no evidence suggesting that I could actually sustain a life inside me. Regardless, we were ecstatic! I was only about three weeks along when we found out this time. For two and a half precious weeks we got to be "parents to be". That is when it came to an end again. Exactly two weeks ago today I began miscarrying our third child. Now I sit here in November 2011 writing about my three miscarriages all while thinking about the fact that this is the month that our first child would have been born.
My husband Chris and I got married about four years ago. We had already planned on immediately trying to have children. Chris is almost twelve years older than me and was worried about being an "old dad". I just wanted children. Fast forward about three and a half years...still no children (despite our very honest efforts). We had begun to worry that we would not be able to have children. At that point we fit the textbook definition of an infertile couple. We were devastated, sad, angry, and scared. However, for some reason we felt that we should not yet jump into any fertility testing.
Another holiday season came and went. And then there was February 2011. Something was different. I wasn't feeling that great and began developing pregnancy symptoms. I tested...POSITIVE!!! We were so excited and surprised. It was confirmed that we can in fact conceive! However, our joy abruptly turned to sorrow when five days later I miscarried our first child.
March and April were two of the hardest months of my life. My doctor explained that as long as I was emotionally ready we could immediately start trying again for a second pregnancy. I was torn apart emotionally and spiritually, but nothing was going to stop us now. For we now knew that we could indeed create life!
And then there was May 2011. Something was different. Something was wrong. May was the month that I learned that I had again gotten pregnant but lost our second child to a very early miscarriage. This time I didn't even know I was pregnant...until it was ending.
This time my doctor explained to me that having two miscarriages in a row is still not what they consider to be "abnormal". However, he graciously offered to begin conducting testing just to make sure that everything was okay. Again, we decided to wait. The chances of us having a third miscarriage were increased at this point, but still slim.
May, June, July, August, and September all came and went. Nothing. And then there was October 2011. Something was different. I was pregnant...again. I couldn't help but be excited. But I was also scared, very, very scared. At this point I had no evidence suggesting that I could actually sustain a life inside me. Regardless, we were ecstatic! I was only about three weeks along when we found out this time. For two and a half precious weeks we got to be "parents to be". That is when it came to an end again. Exactly two weeks ago today I began miscarrying our third child. Now I sit here in November 2011 writing about my three miscarriages all while thinking about the fact that this is the month that our first child would have been born.
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Beginning
Let me begin by saying that this is the first time I have ever blogged. I don't journal on a regular basis and typically avoid sharing about myself as much as possible. I have always been this way. I just don't share. However, after facing many years of trials, tribulations, and some much needed joys my husband suggested that I share my (our) story. I must say that I was extremely reluctant at first; almost angry that he would suggest such a thing. Me? Share? What good would that do anybody? If I shared my story I would lay out for the whole world to see my failures and weaknesses. People would no longer see me as being strong and "having it together". I would become completely vulnerable and the truth about who I am would be no longer be hidden.
After a lot of patience, love, and strong nudges from my husband I agreed to share my story with a very select group of people. Honestly, this group of people did not include a single member of my family. Although I do believe that my husband talked to his mom. For me, I wasn't ready to face my family. I don't know why. I know they love me no matter what. Perhaps I felt that it would become too real if they were aware of my situation. Instead I began by cautiously talking to a few friends here and there. Asking for prayer, guidance, compassion, and love. That is what I needed...need. I then began talking to my family. You know, I was never frowned at or blamed by my friends and family. I was never looked down upon to criticized. Instead I was given the best they had to offer. I was given their prayers, guidance, compassion, and love.
The more I branched out in sharing my story the more I realized that my story needs to and should be shared. It needs to be shared so that others know they are not alone. It needs to be shared to spread awareness. It needs to be shared so that I can heal. So, my hope is that this blog will allow me to do just that.
I began typing this first post with every intention of diving right into my story. But, I realized that my story is so much more than that to me. My story touches on some very real and heartbreaking issues, blessings beyond measure, and personal growth. And, it is a story that just keeps on going. I hope that you will join me!
After a lot of patience, love, and strong nudges from my husband I agreed to share my story with a very select group of people. Honestly, this group of people did not include a single member of my family. Although I do believe that my husband talked to his mom. For me, I wasn't ready to face my family. I don't know why. I know they love me no matter what. Perhaps I felt that it would become too real if they were aware of my situation. Instead I began by cautiously talking to a few friends here and there. Asking for prayer, guidance, compassion, and love. That is what I needed...need. I then began talking to my family. You know, I was never frowned at or blamed by my friends and family. I was never looked down upon to criticized. Instead I was given the best they had to offer. I was given their prayers, guidance, compassion, and love.
The more I branched out in sharing my story the more I realized that my story needs to and should be shared. It needs to be shared so that others know they are not alone. It needs to be shared to spread awareness. It needs to be shared so that I can heal. So, my hope is that this blog will allow me to do just that.
I began typing this first post with every intention of diving right into my story. But, I realized that my story is so much more than that to me. My story touches on some very real and heartbreaking issues, blessings beyond measure, and personal growth. And, it is a story that just keeps on going. I hope that you will join me!
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