Am I a Mother?

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been reading this blog and praying for us. I have been so encouraged by your words and prayers. I have also been humbled and surprised by all of the stories that have been shared with me that are similar to mine...whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. Thank you all for sharing with me and walking with me through this.

I should say that I have been healing very well. I have had no complications since my surgery and everything is slowly returning to normal. We expect to return to the doctor before the new year to have some testing done. Then hopefully we can start trying again. My doctor is still very optimistic and believes that there is no reason that we cannot have a healthy pregnancy. We are so blessed to have a doctor who is great at what he does, loves Jesus, and cares for us beyond what his position has required of him.

So, I have been thinking about something for several weeks. It is a question that potentially has many answers depending on who you are and what you believe. I want to know...am I a mother? Perhaps this is a rediculous question that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but, for some reason it matters to me.

At this point Chris and I have lost four children...three miscarriages and an ectopic. These children never took a breath, never felt the warmth of the sun, never tasted food on their tongues, and never saw the beauty of our world. But they were alive inside me. Even if for a short time, they were alive. Does the fact that they never physically existed outside of me negate the fact that they were once growing with vigor and developing into a perfect somebody?

My children never received names. They didn't have fingerprints. Their hearts never even took a beat. But they were there with each tiny cell that was their existence. They were fighting for life with no chance of winning. Does the fact that my children were never seen or touched nullify their life as it once was?

No, I don't believe that it does. I believe that a child is a child from the point of conception. I am not going to go into all of the scientific reasons why my belief is supported. But it is my belief. I believe that each one of my pregnancies started with the life of a child. Otherwise, I was never pregnant to begin with.

So, I guess my question boils down to this. Am I a mother only if my child/children get to experience all of the things that mine did not? Did I have to look in their eyes and feel their breath to be considered a mother? Will I be a mother only after I give birth/adopt a live child?

Now, I don't expect to receive cards on Mother's Day (Chris believes that people wouldn't send them out of respect) or for people to say "go ask Nikki, she's a mom". And, that is okay. But I don't think that I am okay with the idea that I am not a mother. I fell in love with each of my children from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I did everything I could to protect them. I fought so hard for them and ended up watching as they all slipped away. I had four children inside of me and they all died. But, they were my children...I am their mother.

I know there are many people out there who will completely disagree with what I have just said. That is okay. Perhaps many will agree. I don't know. But what is important to me is that people respect my belief and allow me to acknowledge my motherhood.

Am I a mother? Yes.