Strange Revelation

Just a quick update on where we are: Everything has healed nicely and my body recognizes that I am no longer pregnant. This is all good since it was a necessary step in starting some tests. I went today to have blood drawn for testing. This testing will check for many different issues that my be causing me to miscarry. However, often these tests come back normal and no answers are found. I find myself in an interesting place - I don't want there to be anything wrong, but I do want answers. So, I'm not really sure how to pray about this. Not sure when we will get the results. I will be sure to share when we do.

"In hope against hope he believed". That is what the Bible says about Abraham when God told him that his offspring would be as many as there are stars in the sky. Isn't it strange that even when all the evidence is against us we continue to hang onto hope. Even if it's just the tiniest bit of hope that seems so far away. We just cannot let go of it.

I wonder if that is how Abraham felt. That's how I feel. Despite what statistics say and regardless of what I have experienced so far, I constantly have this unwavering hope in my heart. I cannot explain this. But it is there. In fact, sometimes I wish it would go away...maybe then it would be easier. No, I need this hope.

I have found though that recently, despite my hope, I no longer know how to talk to God about my struggle to be a mother. I usually cannot figure out where to begin, what words to say, or even get my thoughts strait. When I am able to find my voice I just end up saying, asking, and pleading for the same things over and over again. This is so frustrating because there are no words that I could use to express to God the true desires of my heart. It's frustrating because I want God to hear my cries and acknowledge my desires.

This is what I read today:

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perserverance we wait eagerly for it. In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words..." Romans 8:24-26

Just as I am feeling that my hope is getting me nowhere in my prayer time with God, He assures me that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me. Really, God!?! So, when I cannot even begin to figure out how to pray the Holy Spirit is doing it for me? Yep, that's what it says. He is seeing the desires of my heart and hearing my cries and expressing them with "groanings too deep for words"...the same words that I have been unable to find for months. The Holy Spirit is going to the deepest parts of my soul in order to make my requests known to God. He is praying for me!

This is such a strange revelation for me. You see, I have read this passage many times. I have heard pastors cite it in their sermons. But, somehow only now does the meaning of this truth really come to life for me.

Remember when I talked about God being kinda funny...knowing what we need when we need it? Well, here He goes again. God knows that having hope against all hope is not easy. He knows that I do not know how to pray properly. God knows that I worry that my prayers aren't fancy enough, long enough, deep enough. That I'm afraid that I focus too much or not enough on myself. That I worry that God is just tired of me butchering my quiet time with Him. But mostly, that I'm scared that I am not expressing my heart in any comprehensible way.

I believe that God knows all of these things and that He probably sits back, shows me His truth, and then chuckles again as I let it sink into my heart. Instead of just leaving me hanging in my times of speechless worry, He sends the Holy Spirit in to pick up my slack or "help my weakness" without me even asking.

Just Wait

God is funny. Not like haha funny, funny as in "I know exactly what you need when you need it despite what you think". And, He does. But, this is what's so frustrating to me. There are things that I want...now. There are things that I believe I am ready for...now. There are desires in my heart that want to be fulfilled...now. But, God says, "Nope, not yet. Just wait".

But, I HAVE been waiting. I have been waiting for years. And, while I wait I have been really good. I have read my Bible and gone to church nearly every Sunday. I have increased my prayer time and listen to praise and worship music on a regular basis. I have helped out at church events, talked about my faith, and even posted scripture on my Facebook page. Doesn't this all count for something? Shouldn't I get some kind of great blessing for my faithfulness? And God chuckles, "My silly daughter...just wait". Wait for what? Why God, why do I have to wait? "Just wait".

For the past several weeks I have had a difficult time reading the Bible regularly and even talking to God. I guess I feel sort of used up, and, to be honest, I'm sort of afraid of what He may say. But, the other day while waiting on a client I decided to open up my Bible app in hopes of getting an encouraging word. This is what I read, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" - James 1:2-4.

I have mentioned this scripture before in this blog. Funny how God continues to lead me back to this verse. A verse about endurance. What do we need endurance for? Usually something that is going to be hard and take a long time. For me, waiting is both of these things...it's really hard and it feels like it takes forever.

However, this time I really noticed the end of this passage. "And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing". Woah. A perfect result comes from endurance...from waiting. But, that is what I want. I want the perfect result. I want the really good stuff. I really, really do. But, I only wanted it on my terms. I never wanted to wait. I never wanted it to be hard. I just wanted the perfect result without all the messy stuff in the middle.

Thankfully God does know exactly what I need when I need it. God knows that without the wait there is no perfect result. God knows that I need the wait, the endurance, the trial. My faith IS being tested...I will consider it joy. I will just wait.

When I'm Alone

As I mentioned before, life seems to be getting back to normal. Im back at work, feel good, and have been told that I look healthier and healthier each day. Several people have commented on my ability to move on so quickly; my ability to go about life as if nothing happened; my ability to talk about everything we have been through without shedding a single tear. Apparently I'm strong, a fighter.

For the most part I am able to keep myself busy. I'm usually surrounded by people or I'm with my husband. I am able to occupy my time and mind with mundane activities, job duties, and genuinely fun times with the people I love. My days are filled with client appointments, paperwork, and down time with my husband. The holidays have given me even more to do with events to attend, food to prepare, and shopping to do. So I keep busy and I do it all with a smile on my face and what appears to be unwavering strength.

But when I'm alone or I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep with the sound of Chris off in dreamland, I realize how robotic I have become. I see how my desire to move on has pushed me to ignore the hard feelings and just be. Physically I am present but my mind and heart are far away, performing by habit. I realize that I have allowed myself to become completely cut off and although i hate to say it, bitter. And, this is exactly where I never wanted to be.

When I'm alone the numbness that has saturated my entire being begins to be replaced by a sorrow so deeply rooted that I have a difficult time trying to explain it. I find myself begging God to take away my memories of the past nine months, to erase the feelings of sorrow, shame, fear, and doubt. I beg God to have mercy on me and allow joy to penetrate to the deepest parts of my soul. I need peace. I need hope. I need a break.

I'm tired of crying alone. I'm tired of trying to be strong when I feel weak. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of the doubt and fear. I'm just really, really tired.

Specific prayer requests:

Pray that my heart will soften.
Pray that I will allow God in in ways that I never have before.
Pray that I will feel the strength, joy, and peace that I desire.
Pray against fear.

Am I a Mother?

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been reading this blog and praying for us. I have been so encouraged by your words and prayers. I have also been humbled and surprised by all of the stories that have been shared with me that are similar to mine...whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. Thank you all for sharing with me and walking with me through this.

I should say that I have been healing very well. I have had no complications since my surgery and everything is slowly returning to normal. We expect to return to the doctor before the new year to have some testing done. Then hopefully we can start trying again. My doctor is still very optimistic and believes that there is no reason that we cannot have a healthy pregnancy. We are so blessed to have a doctor who is great at what he does, loves Jesus, and cares for us beyond what his position has required of him.

So, I have been thinking about something for several weeks. It is a question that potentially has many answers depending on who you are and what you believe. I want to know...am I a mother? Perhaps this is a rediculous question that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but, for some reason it matters to me.

At this point Chris and I have lost four children...three miscarriages and an ectopic. These children never took a breath, never felt the warmth of the sun, never tasted food on their tongues, and never saw the beauty of our world. But they were alive inside me. Even if for a short time, they were alive. Does the fact that they never physically existed outside of me negate the fact that they were once growing with vigor and developing into a perfect somebody?

My children never received names. They didn't have fingerprints. Their hearts never even took a beat. But they were there with each tiny cell that was their existence. They were fighting for life with no chance of winning. Does the fact that my children were never seen or touched nullify their life as it once was?

No, I don't believe that it does. I believe that a child is a child from the point of conception. I am not going to go into all of the scientific reasons why my belief is supported. But it is my belief. I believe that each one of my pregnancies started with the life of a child. Otherwise, I was never pregnant to begin with.

So, I guess my question boils down to this. Am I a mother only if my child/children get to experience all of the things that mine did not? Did I have to look in their eyes and feel their breath to be considered a mother? Will I be a mother only after I give birth/adopt a live child?

Now, I don't expect to receive cards on Mother's Day (Chris believes that people wouldn't send them out of respect) or for people to say "go ask Nikki, she's a mom". And, that is okay. But I don't think that I am okay with the idea that I am not a mother. I fell in love with each of my children from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I did everything I could to protect them. I fought so hard for them and ended up watching as they all slipped away. I had four children inside of me and they all died. But, they were my children...I am their mother.

I know there are many people out there who will completely disagree with what I have just said. That is okay. Perhaps many will agree. I don't know. But what is important to me is that people respect my belief and allow me to acknowledge my motherhood.

Am I a mother? Yes.