God Never Changed

Quick update: We went to see a fertility specialist last week. More testing has been ordered with the goal of ruling things out. In the end, both of my doctors have stated that that believe all of my tests will come back normal. They believe that we still have an 80% chance of carrying a healthy baby full-term. Sounds good, right? I'm still trying to believe it.

I have learned a difficult lesson over the past year. In fact, it is something that I still question from time to time when I am feeling low. It is something that humbles me, breaks my heart, and completely satisfies me all at the same time. I have learned that God is always the same.

I'm sure that some of you are thinking, ummm yeah, we already know this. We hear it all the time..."God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow". But, I don't think you are getting me. God is ALWAYS the same.

Like I said, I still don't get it all the time. Sometimes I don't believe it at all it seems. There are days when I find myself questioning God's character. I find myself trying to find the kind, gentle God that I was loving and worshiping the day before. And, I would swear on those days that I had perhaps misjudged the God of yesterday. Perhaps I had only thought that God is near, that He knows my every thought and desire, that He loves me. Yes, that must be it because today certainly doesn't feel that way. Instead, today feels cold, lonely, and void of everything good. God must have changed.

Then there are the good days. And man, they are really good. It's on those days when I sense God. Maybe not physically, but I just feel an overwhelming sense of peace. I know that God is near on those days. I have joy in my heart on those days. I have hope on those days. I love those days. God must have changed.

As I write this today I see how silly this really is. I may not see it tomorrow, but today I see it. The fact is, God never changed...I did. It was/is me all along.

You see, God never promised that every day would feel great. He never said that I would never feel lonely, hurt, or sad. God never ensured that doubts would cease to exist. In fact, God promised that I would encounter trials. He made it perfectly clear that no one, including His own Son, would be without pain, struggle, and frustration.

But, what God has allowed me to do is make my own decisions on how to cope, believe, and respond. It is my choice. The fact is, when I am feeling that God is distant it is usually because I have pushed Him away instead of drawing near to Him. Because if I draw near I may hear what He has to say and be responsible for taking action. When I feel that God is cold or unjust it is usually when I have become entitled and believe that I deserve better instead of praising Him for how exceedingly blessed I am. When I become hopeless it is usually because I have decided to soak in a tub of self-pitty instead of basking in His truth of salvation. It is my choice.

God never changed. I did. And while I change God continues to wait for me to draw near after pushing Him away. He continues to bless me despite my naive entitlement. He continues to love me through my self-pitty. God never changed.