I have been scheduled to see a fertility specialist on February 27th...exactly one year to the date after finding out that I was pregnant for the first time.
This post is really more of a request for prayer from all who are reading. This week has been the most difficult that I have experienced in some time. I have recently been overwhelmed with deep feelings of fear, self-doubt, and anxiety. I don't question where these feelings are coming from. I know.
You see, our experience with infertility and child loss has affected so many aspects of our lives. Aside from the physical/mental/emotional pain; being involuntarily childless; and fighting against fear and worry each day, there so many other factors that have come into play. I will warn you that some of this stuff is very intimate and personal. But real and present.
Our infertility experience has had a great financial impact on us. I continue to recieve bills for tests, doctor visits, and procedures that were done last year. Each bill brings about a reminder of how much we have lost. And, how expensive those losses have been...emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially expensive.
Our infertility experience has had a great spiritual impact on us (probably more on me, though). I have questioned God's character, love, and abilities. I have questioned my own commitment to faith and wondered if I will ever be worthy enough to have this burden removed from me. I have lost my love of worship and quiet time with God...found it...and lost it again. This goes on and on. And honestly, I have questioned God's existence in my darkest moments.
Our infertility experience has had a great impact on our intimacy. The loss of our children has created a deep fear in me. A fear of getting pregnant. A fear of never being pregnant again. What if we get pregnant again just to lose another child. But, what if we stop trying? I have this battle in my mind each and every time we are intimate. Doesn't really set the mood that we were hoping for. It's infuriating, sad, and unpleasant. I just want to make love to my husband...with no inhibitions. Just pure, true love.
These are just a few areas that our struggle to become parents has touched. It's overwhelming to say the least. And, I could use some extra support. As I write this post I can feel the anxiety rising up in my stomach. The pure and absolute crazy sensation of wanting a way out so bad. I liken it to being sentenced to a life of solitary confinement despite your innocence. There is nothing you can do or say, no amount of screaming or pleading, nothing that will set you free.
Now, I understand in my mind that my God is a good God. He loves me, is here always, and ultimately will give me the freedom that I desire. But, right now my heart is having a hard time grasping it. Instead, all it feels is the brokenness, shame, fear, and helplessness that I continue to fight every day.
So, please, make it a point to pray for me...for us. Pray for peace. Pray for wisdom. Pray for patience. Pray for guidance. Pray for a miracle. But above all else, pray for my heart. Pray that I will fully surrender this to God and that I will trust in His will despite understanding or feelings. Pray that my bond with Christ will only get stronger.
Thank you.
